Oh, it’s late and I haven’t been here in awhile. That’s actually not true, I have been here on and off, stopping and starting various ideas, but leaving nothing. I struggle with recording here where my life has been since late October, but tonight I feel compelled to leave something behind…I’m not editing this, so pardon my lack of eloquence.
I’m going thru a really rough time in life. I created this space for joy, but in truth joy has been in rare supply for the past few months. The occasional random beautiful sunrise, or full moon or my dog’s eyes staring into my own or my cat Faline “assisting” me in making the bed. The tiny little things that make me stay in this world when I have almost decided that I’m not worth it. And there are a million billion tiny things…
I have to believe we all have had times where we didn’t want to live or did not see how we could go on. I think about Mopsy and what a survivor she was. It’s so obvious that animals have emotional needs. I’ve found an abundance of accounts on IG that feature rescued farm animals and you begin to see cows and chickens and all those animals in a very different light. I think about the ones that aren’t rescued. The ones that live in the hell like conditions that is mass manufacturing of animal products. Do these animals who find themselves in this darkensss, when death and suffering is all around, do they wish for death, because self preservation being what it is, no one would want to suffer. When is enough, enough? Do they just give up?When is hope truly lost?
I’m not a suicidal person. I have not been diagnosed with depression or anxiety. Family and friends read my blog, and no one needs to dial 911. This blog isn’t weaponized. By all outward appearances I’m told I have a good life. But it all feels broken right now. I feel broken. My better half is leaving. We have broken each other but love each other. Me with my trauma and heart broken by my own hands. He with his mental issues and inexperience. And pain, everyone has hurt everyone in every way. I don’t know how I’m going to survive this…
But there’s more…
I started therapy in November. EMDR. Before I started I tried to find somewhere on the internet describing it or if it worked. If it was ever too late to try, etc. etc. I can tell you now why people don’t describe it. Every person is different because we are all different and have different experiences, emotions and the pathways in our minds don’t work the same. It’s like a billion different rabbit holes and each of us is different kind of Alice. And every trip down is a brand new rabbit hole. But you’re not chasing the rabbit, it’s more like chasing yourself. Pieces of yourself.
Actually, here’s the analogy I’ve come up with to try to describe EMDR: If you begin a road trip, starting at location A, all of your big or small life events/traumas would be giant billboards. You probably won’t remember all of them, but you will within the EMDR session. They may just pop up out the ground. EMDR is journeying without knowing where you will travel in order to reach your destination, location Z. AND, you’re nearsighted, like really bad, so you can’t read the billboards in the distance, you can’t read them until you are right on top of it. The order of the bill boards isn’t necessarily chronological and my mind has a strange sense of humor. Some areas of trauma have “healed” within one trip, but the real trauma is the stuff within me. What I believe about myself, what I hate about myself, what I can’t seem to forgive myself for. The trauma of my life has made me a non-believer in myself.
The sessions are emotionally intense, as you re-live events, and feelings. All of my feelings, I’ve always felt more than I thought I should. Isn’t that messed up too? The intensity is off the charts.
Also, the memories are connected so one of two scenarios plays out for me: if the events/emotions are older, within 48 hours after the session, I am usually in the thralls of some memory or emotion that is related. This is what I meant by near sighted, you can’t prepare for what you can’t see coming.
If the emotions/events are newer, then I get an emotion zit of sorts and it just erupts around 48 hours later. Emotions just all over me and whoever is nearby.
But my mind feels abuzz all the time. It’s working thru things and re-wiring things and recalling things. It’s refiling my mental file cabinets. I sleep pretty sound. And I say to anyone who is considering this type of therapy, it works. But it is hard. It’s vey hard. Difficult in ways that no one can prepare you for. In my case, in the end, it’s me that I think I have a problem with…
I remember being a kid. That kid believed in herself. She was fearless and happy. I’m not sure how I have fallen so far off that path. But I’ve been off it for most of my adult life. I didn’t see it clearly until the EMDR. I didnt’ see how it of alignment I’ve been with myself. I can get back on it, convince myself that it’s going to work out, I’m not too old or too late to accomplish things that I want to do. But I fall off, becoming convinced that I’m nothing special. Which leads me to contemplating leaving this life…because I’m so sad and scared and lost and found and hopeful and giving up. All at once.
These are and have been by far the most desperate hours of my life. I thought I would just put it out there in case I’m not alone tonight and you are lost too.
Everything will be all right. It all works out in the end. Right?