Have you seen my doppelgänger?

And Oh Travellers,

It’s late and I’m tired. Right now to my immediate right I have a symphony of purrs going, as in Faline and Charles…I’ve been thinking about my posts here and I feel a need to acknowledge these are all first world problems. There are people who live in squalor, without a roof over their heads or not knowing where their next meal is coming from. And they live that way all their lives. People who struggle with diesease or impairments that change the way they have to live. I think I’ve said this before, but Americans live a pretty cushioned life compared to say the majority of people in the rest of the global community. I want to be clear I’m not oblivious to the good in my life, I’m very grateful for the small things too…

But man, there is a war in my mind and soul right now that feels as big inside me as the aforementioned atrocities. I told my therapist that I don’t believe I actually survived the unfortunate circumstances of my upbringing, I just swallowed them all whole and made myself believe none of it mattered…none of it affected me…mostly because I have known others who have suffered worse, that’s my marching song, others have had it worse, so just shut the f-word up…but it was insidious, the things that were said to me, done to me and they crawled into my head and have been sucking on my soul like a parasite…

Without knowing me well, it’s hard to put what I’m about to say into any context other than crazy, so perhaps a benefit of the doubt or suspension of disbelief moment would be kind…remember we are all doing the best we can do…During my EMDR session, there is a version of me, I call her little me, because she is me, appears to be me around the age of 8. Remember in “The Matrix” when Morpheus explains to Neo that his body is the mental projection of his digital self…it’s something like that because if you take a moment and think about it, you’ve never seen yourself from outside yourself, do you know what I mean? How can we have an accurate mental representation of us when we can’t see in from the outside? She looks like a close semblance of a picture of me in my childhood, but not exactly. My mind recognizes her as me. Then there is a bitchy not awesome version from when I was in my 20s i think..or it seems that way. She is wearing black and leopard print. I went thru a modeling phase, she looks of that time, as much as my mind can create that. I really didn’t care about myself or anything else for a period in my 20s. I remember feeling disconnected though I’ve only seen her once. And then there is me, now. But I only see this version from behind, as in the back of my head or I feel like I’m inside this version so it’s like first person shooter in a video game…

It’s like one of two things, a mental version of Russian nesting dolls or in the movie Shrek, he says that people are like onions, lots of layers. This is not a multiple personality type thing, these versions of me only appeared in the EMDR. I really believe we have no idea what the mind can truly do, and the more EMDR I do, the more I am convinced humans have just scratched the surface. And if I didn’t say it before, I will now, it has made a big difference in my soul. A heaviness has been lifted that I could never really name. My emotions are more passengers than drivers in my body.

I’ve been thinking about all the things I’ve been writing here and trying to sort out their origin so to speak. Little me is the optimist, she believes in us, but also I get the impresssion she needs me to do better. I think she is angry because I don’t make brave choices all the time. I was an only child growing up and was never afraid of being alone. I learned that from my mother. I never feared failure, I’m not sure where I picked that up on my journey or the second guessing. My current self version is warm and kind especially to little me. I’m pretty sure the sharp dressed bitch version is the problem, but I’ll have to get back to you on that…

Lastly, if you are someone considering EMDR, I can’t imagine it will be the same. Because no two minds are the same or bodies. Bioindividuality is something I have a lot of belief in, but we’ll talk about that another time…

 

 

One thought on “Have you seen my doppelgänger?

  1. Lindy Lizenbery

    Hi Amy, Always insightful. You make me think. Lindy

    On Mon, Feb 18, 2019 at 10:28 PM Around the way Pussy wrote:

    > Amy Poe posted: “And Oh Travellers, It’s late and I’m tired. Right now to > my immediate right I have a symphony of purrs going, as in Faline and > Charles…I’ve been thinking about my posts here and I feel a need to > acknowledge these are all first world problems. There are” >

    Like

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