Are you feeling divine?

It’s the weekend Travellers,

And I have forgiveness on the brain…

Getting divorced really stirs everything up. I find in the last few months, as I think anyone would, I am recounting so many memories in my head and words that were said. And it hurts and I’m trying to figure out what to do with all of it. I don’t want to carry it’s weight through my life. I can’t.

I’ve always believed forgiveness was something like empathy, we were born with this skill, and for some reason we choose to not flex that muscle. That’s where I am this morning, sorting thru my insides… I wonder how long this will all take, how many mental suitcases am I going to repack before it’s done…

I remember growing up anything I ever did wrong was recorded on some invisible ledger only to be laid out and recounted when I made another mistake. This was how my mother raised me. And I’m not sure where she learned that, as my Grandparents seemed forgiving to me.  I never got the impression they were holding grudges like a bookie holds bets, but my mother believed they did. She told me so on a number of occasions. It seemed she was just doing to me what she believed was being done to her.

I tend to struggle with forgiving with myself, when I make errors in judgment I am my own harshest critic. I am the judge, jury and executioner of my own happiness. And I seem to want to inflict a lifetime sentence for even the most minor mistakes at times. I feel like holding myself accountable makes me responsible, as if that makes any sense. However, I am forgiving of others, so I’m starting to think there’s hope for me. I think I’m lost in the part of forgetting versus forgiving.

Moving through the divorce is important here to me because I don’t want to be my parents, I don’t want to be stuck in any way shape or form. Our ending was nothing like theirs, and I absolutely wish my ex the best. Unlike my mom, I have no harmful intentions or wish for vengeance or suffering and despite that I still worry about being like her. She never let that shit go…

I have this great magnet that says, “Let go or be dragged” on my fridge. Because that’s what we do to ourselves when we don’t forgive…As I’ve been going thru this separation, I am reminded of the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, ending my relationship with my mother. When I was going thru the decision to estrange myself from my mother years ago, I bought that magnet. Believe me when I tell you, no one wants that particular choice, but many times choosing best isn’t choosing easy. I knew in that choice I would become the villain of her story for the rest of my life. That in and of itself is heavier than anything I’ve ever carried. She will never forgive me, she will never understand all I chose was to take care of myself.

I mention her, because she said something to me once that I’ve been hearing over and over in my mind lately. She told me that she and her now husband had decided I was born wrong. “I was born wrong”…It’s the worst thing anyone has ever said to me and every once in awhile I can hear it echo in my mind. Lately though, it seems like I hear those words everyday and I wonder if that’s why my marriage failed, why I picked the wrong man…why this, why that, just all the “WHYS”… A few years ago, she showed up at my place of work, I told her I wish her well, but she cannot be in my life. And I meant that… I do wish her well, I hope she finds peace in this world. I think that’s what I believe forgiveness is, wishing well to others who have wronged you AND who may or may not wish the same in return to you.

Maybe it’s the forgetting part that’s the real issue…

I’m reminded of the end of the Wizard of Oz, when Glenda the Good Witch tells Dorothy that she always had the power to go home, but she had to learn for herself. I think we all have the power inside to do so many things and make our lives into what we want, we just have to learn how for ourselves. I guess that’s where I am…

Here’s a handsome kitty for your day… Don’t let him fool you,He and Faline are running through the house like psychopaths right now as I type…

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