Good morning Travellers,
I awoke this morning in the mid- 5 o’clock hour, to cloud filled skies that gave way to a semi serious down pour. No walking this morning. But I was able to crack open the windows and fill the house with the smell of rain with a side of humidity…it’s gonna be the last rain we have for a spell, so I’m okay with my morning schedule being skewed today…
Last night, let’s talk about last night…in the evening, after I ate dinner, I went down stairs and got two chocolate chip cookies and milk for dessert..
Let me interject here that Yes, Yes, I am healthy human who believes in dessert. I work out six days a week, walk miles with the dogs, drink the water, sleep the sleep, eat the greens, and go to therapy. I get to eat desert, that’s the deal. Made from scratch dessert with things like unbleached sugar, unbleached flour, real butter, real vanilla, Ghiraridelli dark chocolate chips. REAL ingredients dessert. Life is too uncertain to live in deprivation people…just a side bar..
Anyways, the cookies were so good and it was Monday, so I came back downstairs and got a third, because you can do that too, sometimes…I was thinking though as I took the bag from the fridge, I’m lucky in the divorce that I got me, I’m a really good cook. I’ll get to eat my awesome cookies for the rest of my life…and all the other yummy food I make…and this last dozen cookies, I only make a dozen at a time, these have tasted the best of any I’ve ever made.
I thought I was lucky to have myself. I’ve never thought anything like that in my whole life.
I’ve been abit sad for the past few days, not outwardly, not ‘in despair’ sadness or crying sadness, or drama sadness, just a whiff of sadness…could be PMS, could have been the eighth episode of Stranger Things Season 3, could be the fact that I watched the season of that show alone and we had watched the other two together, could have been my first holiday on my own, could be a million things. I am just sad for us. I don’t want my old life back, I don’t want my ex back, there’s just something very sad…but just a trace of it that I can’t shake right now.
On the 12th, I will have been divorced for one month, but in truth it now feels like I’ve been on my own forever OR it feels like he is gone on some long term vacation and will return somehow OR it was all a dream I had…he was a dream, we were a dream, it was all just some long dream in a long sleep, because it feels so far away…how can it feel so far away so quickly? How does eleven years dissipate inside of two months?
The last nine months prior to him leaving were some of the worst months of my entire life. Living in a strange sort of purgatory. And now it’s weird. I used to have nightmares about him leaving me or breaking up. I would wake up unhinged and then be relieved that he was still here, we were still here. But now he’s not, we are not we anymore. And it’s just surreal. My life does not feel entirely real right now.
Is this what healing feels like?
What I know, or rather last night on the patio what I thought I knew was, it’s good to sit on warm concrete after a sunny day. It’s good to come home from work to my home, imperfect as it may be. Faline, my pussy cat, laying belly down on one side of me, and Ramona seated on the other. The temperature was just right, the lightening bugs flitting about, the buggy chorus has started to sing intermittently late at night outside. Lou, my youngest dog, was sniffing the air near the honeysuckle that grows wild down the fence line. She actually lifted up on tips toes to smell the highest bough. Who says dogs don’t stop and smell the flowers?
I know I’m good at taking care of my garden and the yard. I know the house will be clean because I’ve always been it’s custodian. I know who to call when things break that I cannot fix alone. I know how to take care of things. I know I have people rooting for me out in the world. I know my furry kids will be cared for, because I have always cared for them. I know I am lucky to have the four of them. I know I’m fortunate that I enjoy their company, reading good books, listening to all the music and lighting candles at night so the house glows inside with the warmth of home. I know that the quiet solitude is a place I’m learning to live in. I know I have just started out on a very long journey that I have no idea where it will take me. I know I don’t have any future plans yet. I know many people don’t, but it makes me nervous to worry about what unknown calamities are waiting for me. I know I am trying really hard to keep myself together and most times, it seems to be working. I know that every single step matters and the only way I’m going to be able to change anything is to keep walking into the unknown. I know I cannot see the future and I have given up, mostly, on trying to. I know the greatest sounds in the world are all the ones Faline makes, especially her little battle cry just now as she jumped the dog gate. I know Charlie will be on the kitchen rug every morning waiting for a belly rub. I know the value of tiny joys and random moments make a life livable.
I think I’m getting much closer to really knowing that I can do this…