Oh dear Travellers, we have arrived..
This is my 30th post, so that’s once a day for the last 30 days and it feels like time has flown by doesn’t it? And while it’s not like I landed on the moon, I am smiling because I made it. I did a Horton…which is Horton from Dr. Seuss …he says, “I meant what I said and I said what I meant, an Elephant’s faithful 100 percent” I’ve always felt that story is about staying true to your word AND staying on the path even when it’s not easy. Staying on the path when you have no idea where it will take you. Staying on that egg because you know that’s what you said you would do.
I said I was going to do it and then I did…which is a BIG deal for me. I’m not very good at not letting myself down. I’m not very good at being my own cheerleader or support system. I’m not very good at believing in myself or believing that I have anything worth contributing past the daily grind of my life. I’ve never really believed I was special but I’ve always felt I had something to contribute. I think it’s easy to see there are many talented humans and in any given moment I may think, “Wow, maybe I can do this, that seemed really good,” I will talk myself out of it in the next. I will convince myself that in a sea of similarly talented souls, I will just drown.
So I get off the egg..
I went to film school in my 30s, have I mentioned that? I studied music video direction and yes that is a legitimate thing, but I learned that directors tended to be talent sitters and what I really loved was the editing. Ten people can take the same pile of footage and produce completely different stories. Editing felt very clay in hands to sculpt the story more so than directing. I remember the night we viewed all of our work together I had so much adrenaline going thru my body, I had the shakes. And it was awesome, seeing my work on a big screen. It was really like nothing else I’d ever felt or done. And mine had a completely different ending than anyone else’s because of the cut I used…I think I could have pursued that professional path legitimately, but I ran home instead…afraid because I couldn’t see the road I would have to travel..afraid that I wouldn’t make it because I wasn’t “the best” and how would that work? I believed this was my dream and yet, I didn’t chase it. I just couldn’t sit on the egg like Horton did.
When I was in college I won a writing award for a paper I wrote on “Song of Solomon” by Toni Morrison, and I felt proud for a moment. I was published in some English department thingy and I had poetry published in high school. I won some awards for writing in high school as well…but it felt like a half try, because I couldn’t see the road I would have to travel…and I’ve always believed there were people more talented than me, so my voice didn’t need to be heard. I’ve always felt lesser no matter what awards came my way. I didn’t sit on this egg either, because I was young and figured there would be a better nest and better eggs.
I learned to play piano at 4-5ish. I can’t really say that was my choice, I think it was my mom’s but I was too young to resist. I played till I was 18. And I was good, really good, I played well above my level and there was talk of Juilliard when I was in junior high school. But I didn’t want that, it didn’t feel like it was something that I wanted in my own soul. It didn’t feel like my egg.
There have been other situations and things I loved that I let my insecurities prevent me from even trying to see if it was an egg. Singing and modeling and really just exploring the world. It’s almost like I didn’t even think I was worthy of sitting on an egg. I didn’t deserve an egg. Which is heartbreaking…sometimes I wonder if there is any Horton in me at all, as in, am I am even capable of sitting on an egg till it hatches/comes to fruition?
SO here I am now at a point in my life where I feel like I’ve sort of failed because I haven’t hatched any eggs that really inspired me. I haven’t spawned any elephant birds of my own. (Spoiler alert, very sorry…Read the book, it’ll make sense.) I haven’t created anything that means as much as I wanted something to. Yes, I’m good at my job, but it’s not my egg. I don’t know that my fur kids or my house qualify as egg hatching either. My marriage that ended last month was obviously not my egg. And when I taught yoga before, that wasn’t my egg. That last one was the beginning of an egg, but I was in the wrong nest.
I think this could be my egg, or at least there is hope growing in my heart, because I enjoy writing so much and some of the last thirty days have reminded me of why I once believed this was worth making a nest for. And when I think of running my own little business for fitness and health, that feels like it could be a little egg too. Obviously, I’ve just never fully invested myself in the whole sitting on it till it hatches before but I think it’s time to actually try and stay on the egg.