Swim

It’s abit later than I like to arrive here Travellers,

I’m not making the 5am rise with any kind of grace yet. I say yet, because I keep setting the alarm for 5:07am, but I find I don’t really wake up until after 5:30am. I’m reminded how discouraging it is for us all to change which is why we don’t, isn’t it? Why is so fucking hard to change these behaviors? Or maybe it’s just me…that’s where my head has been the last two days, it’s me…

I’ve been trying to sort out an analogy of how I feel inside lately. At my last therapy appointment, we were  peripherally discussing socializing and I told I’m not fully baked for that yet. I’m not ready. I don’t want anyone in that space because I just can’t while I’m like this..this as in trying to grow by myself.

See the history here is I get some time and space and begin to see the compass is really pointing towards ME and all the self work I should invest in, but then I will veer off course with a man. It’s easier, less fulfilling but easier. It’s what I was taught and encouraged to do growing up by my parent. If she were here now, in my life, and saw me “divorced” well she would just keep reassuring me there would be man. And I’m about 1000% sure, that’s the last thing I need right now. I don’t need anyone to assure me there is another man…

I can really only theorize how many of us use our romantic relationships to fill the holes and places where we were meant to grow ourselves. We take what is meant to be our personal garden and fertilize it with the presence of another human. We’re being told constantly that love makes the world go round, so I can only wonder how many people reach the place I am in and simply think, I can’t do it on my own…yet all the stories I read where women have truly transformed seemed to require a sort of withdrawing from this ideal…going it on your own.

I also don’t feel like I have anything to offer other humans right now. I feel delicate and like I would drag someone under in the waters I am treading. People who know me, have known me, that’s different, but new people, that’s a whole different story. Can you really have anything to offer when you are in a state of disrepair, simultaneously rebuilding and self exploration? I dunno…

Back to the analogy, I was a competitive swimmer in my youth, not for an extensive period of time, but when I was walking this morning I realized that I had a physical experience in my life that felt in my body like I feel now in my soul. I’ve actually been a swimmer my whole life,  I was in water baby classes and I have many memories of pools, oceans and lakes throughout my life. I’m a good swimmer. If I could be a mermaid, I would, but that wouldn’t remedy my current situation…when I use to sprint swim, like swim so hard, so many laps, swim until your lungs feel like they will implode. That kind of swimming. The kind where your body gets hot in the water. It’s completely different than a land based work out, and when you feel exhausted it’s different too because you’re now in a environment where you can drown. No one ever worked out so hard in a gym that they drowned.

Anyways, when you’ve swam all you can and cannot go any further, you get to the wall/ledge and cling on, while you try to find your breath. Your body feels heavy when it stops moving in the water and if you wait too long, it begins to get cold, your body and the water and being in cold water exhausted is unpleasant in a way unlike anything else. That’s where I am mentally right now, I’m on that ledge, feeling heavy, too tired to call for help and too tired to swim anymore today. Sometimes I wonder if I’d rather not just let go and drown. They say there is euphoria in drowning, but I’ve always considered it one of the most horrible deaths because I’m a very capable swimmer so if I drowned it meant I was helpless and that would be a fearful death wouldn’t it? And if I am this capable, there is no excuse for drowning now is there?

It’s been three months now since he left. And I’m realizing that the whole divorce thing is just a tiny piece of what’s agitating my soul. It’s me and all of the great changes I feel like everyone is expecting me to make in my life. I’m expecting myself to make, like I’ve reached the maximum level of fucktitude and now I should only be swimming my ass off to make change happen. No resting on the side of the pool, it’s swimming. Like the expectation of greatness is overwhelming, it’s why I’m clinging to the side of the pool right now. It’s taking my breath away.

Whenever people tell me they tell me they are proud of me, I always feel undeserving of that kindness. Always, I think what is there to be proud of? And I’m not Charles Manson, I’ve done good by the common standards of life I suppose. I feel like I have failed myself so badly. Like I should have swam harder and faster in my youth. Like I should be able to swim forever now because I am strong. Like I’ve been doing it wrong this whole time and how am I going to learn something different after doing it this way for so many years? But I know I’m capable and that is what is keeping me in the pool. Waiting for something…just not sure what that is yet, I’ll let you know…

Last thing and this is an indulgence I’m going to ask of you…have you ever been in a rough phase of your life and yet there will be some random moment where you think, it’ll be alright? It always feels, well I’m not sure how it feels for you, but for me, it’s THIS SONG and someone I once knew playing it for me, telling me that jazz is where music was born. It’s a memory that glows somehow. And Nina Simone was not only a rarified artist but a very brave woman. SO if you would, click the link, and just sit somewhere and listen…maybe somewhere with a breeze or a window where you look out on the world or in the light of candles…just this once if you would…I owe you…

 

 

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