What’s the harm in believing?

 

Happy Friday Travellers,

I am so happy to say that the sunrise returned this morning in all it’s glory. Around 6am, I looked out the front door to see the sky ablaze with an ultraviolety pink hue. And of course we had to venture out on a walk under that sky, which slowly faded into all the colors of cotton candy before becoming clouded over. I don’t think I’ve ever felt such a sense of simultaneous joy and relief just seeing the sun come up.

Oddly, I remembered as I walking and looking up what it was like making cotton candy at the movie theatre I worked at in high school. It really is a marvel how you can pour solid sugar granules in and on the other side, you get the floofy fluff of candy dreams. And making the perfect cloud on a stick is no easy task let me tell you.

I completely forgot about that experience until this morning…

I’d like to do a little Lego type build on my prior post. I went to therapy yesterday afternoon and unloaded all the things on her kind ears. And we discussed what I said about how we make our thoughts real. And she said something that I think bears worth repeating because I think it’s very illuminating with regards to all the things we see happening in our own lives and the world at large.

I’m going to paraphrase her words with my own but it goes a little like this: the more we repeat our thoughts, any thought, it not only becomes true but we will hold it to our hearts as a belief. We will take it in and accept it as part of our life tapestry. Which explains so much, does it not? Just think about it…

Early this morning I was lying in bed, pondering what would be on the other side of death, as in if I take my own life, what is waiting on the other side? Will the lights just go out? Will I be tortured for my actions, forced to relive the worst parts of my life, over and over again as punishment? Would I come back as a dragonfly? And am I REALLY ready find out? And as I laid there, I realized I was so scared, I could feel the fear leaden in my body..

But then Charlie, my three legged cat for those who may be new here, appeared. He has recently taken up a really endearing habit each morning. He will come to lay at my left side up against me, like pussy cat spooning, purring like a Hemi. And then he will turn towards me with his one front leg and kinda wrap it around my rib cage like a koala on a tree. It’s like he’s holding me here with him in this life. And it’s so oddly reassuring that I should stay here in this life. Who knew cats hugged people???

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Yesterday when I wrote that post, it felt so heavy, physically the weight of all those feelings borders on unbearable. The amazing interconnectedness of the mind and the body cannot be overstated, can it? I told my therapist it was like I had relieved myself of those thoughts and then the writing reinfected me.

But early this morning, when I saw that sunrise, I knew, I can’t leave…

I realized that the sunrise and the sunsets and the moon and my garden and my furry family are all a sort of belief. A belief that this world holds so many miraculous moments for our taking. With my fur kids and garden, I believe I am maternal and healing and good. The sunrise is hope and the sunset is a gift of the day that ended and the moon is knowing we are never alone. Fur kids make you believe in the better side of our nature. You get to watch them grow like a story unfolding before your eyes, and that is a wonder. You believe you want to see the whole unfolding. I think having kids is always an act of faith and a belief that there is good in this world still and they unfold in a similar fashion. And I say that as a woman who happily chose not to have any…

Our beliefs drive us don’t they? If you believe in any faith or God, that tends to guide your behavior a certain direction, doesn’t it? If you believe the glass is half full, if you believe that you can make a difference, if you believe your life is worth living, if you believe in the good in other people, if you believe you can, if you believe there is hope still in this rather fucked up world, if you believe in love, if you believe in wholly witnessing this life, if you believe in anything that makes your soul buoyant against the undertow of life, things work out don’t they?

Likewise, if you believe there is nothing here on Earth left for you, that your life has no value nor do any other lives, if you believe in making people suffer for the things you don’t understand, if you believe you are superior to everyone else, if you believe you are always right, if you believe you deserve to have everything without doing the work, if you believe hope isn’t real and there are only tragic endings left for you in your life, that’s gonna craft an entirely different human isn’t it?

Apply that to what you live each day. What you witness each day via your three dimensional life and then think about the world at large. Think about what you see in the media and the news. Look at what our beliefs do, look at what is created, look at what we destroy and the lives that are extinguished from beliefs gone astray. The question then becomes how do we work with that, can we? I’ve always believed that action speaks louder than words. What you do defines you and serves as an example to others. We are wearing our beliefs everyday in what we do and say…

Back to the ending my life thoughts… It felt like the more I kept thinking about it, it did seem to be the only option. I actually thought about how I would do it, and wondered if there was a way to avoid the pain or the unknown. I imagined myself there alone in the dark of my garage, thinking how scary it would be to do that all alone. Maybe I could borrow a sleeping pill so I would be unconscious when I passed. Wouldn’t it be better with a buddy? It’s really fucked up isn’t it?

From this perspective, I tend to think that people who take their lives must have been thinking about it ALOT and somewhere it just became their belief.

I’m not sure if it was Charlie or the sunrise or just that I’ve had enough of this shit, because I’ve never really struggled with these types of thoughts till this past year. But I don’t want to go, I believe I want to stay here with all of you lovely people. And I’ve thought that for far longer than I have any of these other thoughts.

Which is a relief, that rhymes with belief…

 

 

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