Refraction

Good morning Travellers,

Fall is so close now. This morning it was 57 degrees when we left the house on our little walk about. It’s the kind of temperature where if you move quickly enough your body warms and it’s very refreshing. I think there’s a lot to be said for going out into the open world after being closed up in your house all night.

Have I said that before?

For the past two mornings, the skies have been mostly blue. Today there was a small drifting bank of clouds that at first appeared pale gray, but as the sun rose and the light hit them they developed a purplish candy coating on their underbellies. And I started thinking about refraction. Do you remember that from science as a kid? How light changes as it hits different areas of density AKA all the gorgeous skies I’ve seen have had some clouds. It’s the water in the air that makes the magic isn’t it? Which I think is still quite wondrous, explanations don’t always steal the magic, the trick is still amazing even if you know how it’s accomplished. Because nature remains the greatest showman of all.

The other thing I became very aware of as we walked was the way the rising sun’s light dissected the tree line. It sort of lit up the top halves, like a horizontal spotlight and it created this beautiful separation of vibrant green from the shadows below. There is something about the simplicity of how this world opens itself each day that I can never be tired of. And the sun casts the most beautiful light, doesn’t it?

And the fog, thick enough to hide Jack the Ripper out on the soccer fields. I paused for moment just to take it all in, maybe I’ll start carrying my phone, although I still think these moments are meant for us alone without technology. But it would be nice to share with you…

Anyways as coincidence has it, I’ve been thinking about change here for the past two days a great deal. And outside my window the world is changing itself, isn’t it? Summer is slowly bleeding into Fall. AND I am yet to succeed in consistently getting up at 5:15, or 5:00 and I’ve decided that perhaps the problem is not a matter of saying YES, but instead it’s what I’m not saying NO to…

There’s a lot of talk I hear and pieces I’ve read about saying no to people for your own quality of life. Getting your time back and having time to nurture your life. That’s not what I’m talking about, although that all seems valid if you are someone who let’s people run your life. I’m talking about SAYING NO TO YOURSELF. Are we not the most difficult person to refuse?

Isn’t that really what change is in terms of altering your life, your habits, your beliefs, your behaviors, your waist line, your attitude? It seems like we walk around saying YES, because it’s an affirmation, and NO is a negation. But isn’t change just as much about what you’re wanting to remove from your life?

In the case of my morning rise, I’m not succeeding because I’m not saying NO to staying up until 10- 10:30pm at night. I sleep very well, and have great sleep hygiene BUT every night, I’m up doing things that don’t need to be done, or rather should have been done earlier. Or could maybe be done tomorrow. I need to say NO.

And beyond that, I was thinking we really construct change in tiny increments like diet and exercise for example. Think about all the 30, 60, 90 day programs…what about the rest of your life after that???? And I know I’m not the only human out there caught in a struggle to reclaim or find or grow some part of my life because just look at all the self help books, videos, TED talks, retreats, therapy ETC….people dispensing advice on how to live a better life…DO this, DO that, TRY this, TRY that…but in order to day YES, I think you’re going to have to say NO to something else. And that something else is something you are doing or saying or believing or embracing or reinforcing or choosing repetitively..you have to say NO NO NO. Then do something different.

My mother once told me that she didn’t believe people ever truly changed. We are the people our parents made us to be, she said. This was just a few years prior to my ending that relationship. I think that’s a terrible thing to believe much less say to your kid. Not changing is so limiting to the experience of being a human. And in truth, in many ways, I don’t want to be the person she raised me to be.

I’m starting to think even in the strife of trying to change, we learn so much. And some of it sucks ass and some of it is very rewarding. AND changing is HARD AS FUCK. I’m not here to say anything is easy breezy. But there’s no way I’m going to remain the person I always was, I can’t, because doing the same same over and over will not yield a different life. And I look back and can see where I’ve changed, but this current season of my life feels like the hardest changes of all. I’m trying to break decades long habits and reorientate my horizon. Maybe you are too, maybe we all are everyday…

So far in the past three months, since the divorce, I’ve decided to not date for at least a year or two, which is huge because I’ve always used validation from men to fill the hole in my soul where I lack belief in myself. I’ve been coming here to write, which is something I always said I wanted, and I’m saying all the things I’ve always wanted to say, and giving myself permission to share parts of my life that I felt I wasn’t allowed to until now, that’s HUGE. And scary as fuck WHILE so exhilarating! I’m working on telling people about this place, which feels very exposing to me. It’s one things that you found me here, it’s a whole different ball game for me to meet you in person and mention this blog. I even got business cards, which may be silly, but it made it smile. Next week, if the weather holds, everyone please cross your fingers for me, I’m going to instruct outdoor yoga on my patio, even if only one person shows up.

My big change is becoming brave. On my own. Believing in myself and that my life is valid. It’s climbing Mount Everest. Which takes time AND apparently requires that I go to bed at 9pm…

I’ll let you know how that goes…but maybe consider what I said, I could be right, could be wrong…AND just for fun, here’s this: Watch for a minute, it’s on a slide show, these two are so funny together…

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One thought on “Refraction

  1. Glenda Yocom

    Love your descriptions of our beautiful sky & earth – not so much the part about the need to get up @ 5 am & walk in the dark (& w/o your phone no less!).

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    Like

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