Good morning Travellers,
It’s one of those mornings where I awoke to 77 degrees, thick air and cloudy skies. No sunrise. Unfortunately for the ladies, anything over 74 means no walk. 74 are the last digits on the thermometer that everyone tolerates well. As in, no one is dragging behind at any point on our jaunt. I sometimes wonder how much heat I could personally handle wearing a fur coat. Dogs are warriors about this kind of stuff aren’t they? Think about that when you see a dog outside in the heat next time…
I realized this past weekend, I have become abit of a home bound soul. Not quite a hermit, but on the weekends, I’ve been in ALOT. Lately I find I’d rather stay in my house with my four furry family members and watch Netflix, soothing myself into numbness than try to I dunno, go out in the world, meet new people, have new experiences, bravely face my future etc. I just want to hide. That’s the truth, I want to curl up in the fetal position and not move. I don’t know that I would call it fear, as much as just sparing myself all the discomfort…I am beyond uncomfortable in my life right now..
And my therapist believes it’s not the divorce. The divorce is awful and it’s a festering wound at this point. 3 months and counting. Some days I think how much I loved him and others, it’s regret, huge room filling regret. I have to believe that any divorce makes most people turn inward into themselves, but for me, it’s really become a catalyst to my greater realizations. What are those? That I have not lived bravely, I have fled to safety. I seek safety first and control second, even now. I have just fallen into my life, which is a perfectly okay life. I look around at other lives and think, I’ve been spared struggling. Hard struggling, because I’ve had a pretty good life. Until now.
Somehow getting divorced has really heightened my sense of failure. Specifically, how I have failed myself and my gifts/potential. At least for the last 15 years. What I’m really failing at right now is figuring out why I don’t give more fucks about myself and my greater pursuits in life. Why am I numb when I need to find my grit and get up and fight? It’s like I’m feeling my life thru a plexiglas partition. It’s right there, I see, but I can’t quite touch it. I’m doing it, but not REALLY REALLY REALLY working hard at it.
I’ve also realized that I may not have a realistic understanding of the path I’m traveling on. I haven’t faced failing at something I love before. And I don’t know how I’m ever going to get somewhere else from where I currently stand. I feel like all these thoughts are a paralytic on my soul and my abilitity to clear my head. I can tell you right now that when your mind is filled with thoughts of self loathing and suicide and how nothing will ever work out, all creativity dies. All inspiration runs away, like it senses the soil is not fertile here, it’s not wasting it’s time on land that can never bloom.
That’s my last weekend, inside my mind…BUT in the midst of that I did do something worth noting…
I have a professional acquaintance who recently told me that if I volunteered to crew for the hot air balloon festival that would soon be visiting nearby, I would have a good chance to ride in a hot air balloon. If we’re being honest all I heard was, RIDE IN A BALLOON, when she was talking. And a hot air balloon ride is at the top of my make it happen list, not a bucket list, a make it happen list.
I decided I would make this my first single woman, out in the unknown world doing new things adventure. This was how I spent my last Friday night and Saturday morning:
Aren’t they beautiful?
The sad news is, I did NOT get to ride in a balloon. I was deprived of riding in a balloon by 3 minutes. 3 MINUTES!!!! We were about to go and then had to stop. Never has there been such a disappointing cock block. Did you know there is cutoff time for launching a balloon, and 7pm is that magic hour, when the princess’s balloon turns into a pumpkin? I didn’t either…Was I disappointed, yes, very much. VERY MUCH…
BUT I did get into the gondola of this balloon. And let me tell you how hot it is when they fire off the propane. And we did lift off the ground about a foot, so that sort of counts right???
I learned a lot in these two days, because I do believe in all experiences there is something to be learned..
There are tribes of people whom I have never met and hot air ballon pilots are definitely a tribe all their own. The guy I was helping out had started learning to fly at 17. His dad was a pilot, so he grew up in hot air balloons. What a fantastic childhood, am I right? And his uncle, who owns the red balloon in the photos, also flies. And their families were there. And they all know all the other pilots. It’s a brethren of balloonists. And it was fascinating to me because I’m one of those curious souls who asks all the questions about how it works, how did you learn, tell me great stories..yea, I’m that girl. And they were more than happy to explain it all.
In fact, the gentlemen who owns the red balloon, invited me to crew for him at the balloon fair in Albuquerque next month. And I would get to ride in a balloon at some point. Now whether or not I can financially swing that trip is an unknown right now as other expensive shit has come up lately, but it was nice to be invited. It was nice to know there are people out in the world to meet, adventures to be had on my own and so much to learn.
And hopefully after enough of these little adventures, I won’t feel so uncomfortable and awkward in my own skin. Because I’m pretty sure this is how I grow, this is the way of all paths in life…I’ve just not done much of that kind of thing by myself in a long time. I was once a pretty brave soul or at least I didn’t overthink things as much, so I just need to find her again…
Lastly, when my ex left, he took the main piece of art in our front room which was a still from “Reservoir Dogs” and the wall has been blank ever since. I had decided to eventually put an enlarged photo that I would take in it’s place, because photos are a big thing with me. And I was hoping to use some hot air balloon photo, eventually.
The awesome part about working with a pilot is you get to open the balloon, and then watch it inflate, from the inside. And there’s something spectacular about seeing the inside of a hot air balloon.
I feel like those two days helped me understand something, it’s all a journey, and timing and waiting and patience and trying over and over again are all absolutely necessary for anyone to fly. Or probably accomplish any other feat. In the end, I’m not as disappointed as I am glad for this experience…this is what I’m going to hand on the wall…