Need

Good evening Travellers,

I hadn’t planned on writing today, but heard a song and felt I had something to say after all…

Woke up late this morning, which was nice. Charlie is an awesome tiny spoon partner in bed. Never thought I would say that about a cat, much less live with cats.

Made brunch for the first time as a single girl. With my very favorite pancake recipe:

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BUT instead of pancakes, I made mini waffles with this teeny tiny waffle maker I got for $9 at Target. I’ve never felt more single in my whole life than when I looked down at those little waffles.

I must say loneliness never tasted so good.

Later, I went out wandering into the world and then came home and found THIS on YouTube while cooking dinner…

As I listened, I felt very old suddenly. Because I remembered a boy singing that song to me on my grandparents porch when I was 13 maybe. His name was Jack, he had a helluva a voice. And he was trouble on two legs. I remember he really wanted me to have sex with him, but I didn’t want that or even know what it was at that age. We were lucky years ago to get to be kids without adulthood encroaching on what was left of our childhood innocence. I think we dated for like a month.

A few years later and I watched “Rattle and Hum” with a group of people but mostly I just remember Jeremy. He held my hand during that movie. First boy I loved and THIS is what makes me think of him. This one, this guy I gave my whole heart and virginity to. It was all very Romeo and Juliet crazed young love.

And when it ended, I thought I was dying. I was 17 and I’d given him everything I thought I had to give at 17. I didn’t know any better and neither did he. After we broke up, I skipped Physics class a handful of times to sob in the girls bathroom. I was devastated.

Flash forward, there’s Todd, who I agreed to marry at 20 or was it 21. Which was insane. We were in college, he was a year older and the minute I said yes, I knew I couldn’t marry him. When I think of him, he was a good guy, we would have had a good vanilla life, but I had been scouted to model and he wasn’t down with it.  I thought there was a bigger world waiting for me. Whenever I hear THIS, I remember dancing outside in the rain with the song blaring from my MR2 speakers. Just like a Rom Com. Am I lucky my life has had those weird moments?

A few years later, there was Darin. We lived together for about a year. He was actually a good guy. I remember he would sing THIS song to me when we were driving in the car. We were young and clueless and drifted apart. I hope he found happiness in this world because he deserved it.

Lastly, my wasband. We met in a video store, which is where I worked after my quarter life apocalypse. In retrospect, it was not my finest hour, but apparently he was smitten and so was I. THIS is the song that reminds me of him because we would lay in bed, clothed, nothing racy and just listen to music and talking. All the music. While listening to Sade one night,  I remember I told him that he was a gift to my life and I meant it.

Our relationship had the fever of my first love, which as adults probably was a sign of trouble to come. I’ve talked about all the signs I ignored and regret, regret, regret but I loved him. He broke my heart, I probably broke his, but I loved him. I’m pretty sure I still do in the way you always love the people who you shared your heart with. I’ve felt very aware of that today…pretty sure this is how dissolution moves through a human soul, somewhat randomly, surprising you at the oddest moments.

What I haven’t mentioned is the smattering of boys who fill in the gaps between these relationships. It’s a pretty sizable catalog. Not enough to be slutty, because I didn’t sleep with all of them, but it’s enough to say I have experience. I’ve spent most of my life in the company of a male companion. Pretty sure that’s part of the struggle right now…

In therapy the other day, my therapist was talking about need. Is my life currently meeting my needs, and in truth, I don’t think I’ve ever stopped to ask myself, is this what you need… have you? Not what you want, but what do you need…in relationships, jobs, or well, anything…

I was reading some poetry earlier in Barnes and Noble. It was “Milk and Honey”, by Rupi Kaur…and I figured out, I don’t think I’ve ever embraced myself enough to know what I need. Obviously, I need a home, my fur kids, food, movement, friends & family, but have I ever allowed my choice to be guided by need…what do I need?

As I read her book, I realized I need to learn to need myself. I need to find trust in myself. I need to find home in myself. What’s written on the page below is pretty much what I need before everything else falls into place…

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