Raising the Dead

Happy Halloween Travellers,

OR All Hallows’ Eve, OR my favorite to say and most intriguing by far, Dia de los Muertos! AKA Day of the Dead. Which sounds like the name of zombie movie, but it’s really not…

I’ve been thinking about this post in my mind for the past few days because I have so much to say and want it be as meaningful in words as it is inside myself. I’m not sure I can do that because I find when I try to be profound, I always fall flat on my face versus just let the words come out…

Today is not only my favorite holiday, but also the anniversary of my first date with my wasband. 16 years ago we went out for the first time. We watched “The Lost Boys” and there was smittenness in the air. 15 years is a long time to spend with any one person isn’t it? It’s almost half my life…

But today it is no longer an anniversary, but rather a return to just my favorite holiday. It’s all mine again, which should feel lonely I guess, but it doesn’t…

Truthfully, I arrive here feeling surprisingly un-sad. I feel good. Free and ready. And calm inside. Because we are almost 6 months to the day that he packed up and left. I remember the last thing he said was that he was just going to do what they do at his work, and hugged me and said, I’ll see you on Monday. Then he left. That was the goodbye of 15 years.

It took the nine worst months of my whole life to lead to that one day, and now after 6 months of working through it, kneading it around in my brain, laying down and letting it live in me,  I feel like I’m done. I’m ready to release this and move forward.

I swear it’s just weird. It’s like a ghost was here and it just evaporated in the last week. And let me add, I genuinely wish him well and apologize for any harm on my part, because I don’t want to haunt him either.

And I dare put this in print here, but something has actually shifted in the past week, I’m not sure quite how, and I keep sort of self-checking each day since, “Do I still feel this way?” Like I cannot believe it’s true, but it seems to be sticking. I believe my motivation has finally returned…

I’m ready to choose, and I choose moving on. Like actually doing it. Not just talking around it, but DOING IT. I heard someone recently say that the way to move past your past is to go forward. Because moving forward means the past is further away. It’s behind you and eventually it’s beyond the horizon. Not necessarily forgotten, but out of the peripheral view.

And isn’t the  past it just like the dead, we are only haunted by what we allow to haunt us. And I’m not sure any of the ghosts really want to remain with us either.

So here we are on Dia de los Muertos. The day of the dead. I watched this movie on Sunday night called “Coco”, it’s this amazing little piece of Pixar work that is not only a virtuoso of animative skill, it’s really moving. Sincerely deeply moving. And not in the typical Disney sap fest kind of way. It’s about family and dreams and what happens when we die and the holiday that is celebrated to honor those people we love. I cannot recommend it enough and it’s on Netflix right now. You should watch that tonight instead of a stupid horror movie, I may actually watch it again. Because it is amaze balls.

I sincerely hope that one day I can go to Mexico to witness the beauty of this holiday in person and I genuinely envy those of you who have this experience in your heritage. Truly, it seems like such a colorful explosion of life celebrating death and I think that’s something we could all learn from. And the importance of remembering where you came from whether the story is all happiness or not.

I have to admit movies about family are really hard for me. I was raised in a fractured family, and when my grandparents generation died, the remaining relatives scattered like leaves in a wind storm made of their own drama. Sad really, but it is what is. My brother from another mother and I infrequently discuss that issue to no resolve. The movie really brought that into focus, how we all fell apart…

Mostly, I found myself thinking about my mother. And I realized in a rather crystalline clear moment that the truth is, she just broke my heart. Over and over and over and over again. And it’s time to mend myself. I’m not 100% sure how, but my therapist and I had a conversation recently about deciding what I want or need to do with that situation and I know, without any doubt or reservation that the relationship is not healthy and I cannot allow that in my life. I made the right choice years ago when I left her behind. Or tried to, because she is the worst ghost of all.

So today, let us visit with the ghosts of not only the people we love who have left us, but perhaps some last words to the ones we need to release before we let them go.

But of course it would not be Halloween without some treats: So let’s start with THIS VIDEO, because it could not be more appropriate for me or gothic looking, and really the simplicity of it is stunning… THIS KILLER ALBUM because I always think of the words Witches Brew and it’s f*cking MILES DAVIS beautiful babies…and lastly, THIS SCENE, in which someone should have let that ghost go…and when I think of letting ghosts go, it always come to mind.

 

 

 

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