Who’s responsible?

Good evening again Travellers,

Last week we had a spell of sunrises and sunsets that just consumed the entire sky with the most extraordinary colors. And the intensity of the colors was just WOW. A visual salve for the soul in these colder temperatures.

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This photo was taken on my front porch on a morning last week, and how I wish we could have gone walking, but it was 20ish degrees, so no dice..but what an affirmation of life, isn’t it?

Cue the GROOVY music…let it be said that in every boy band, there is the one guy who’s really got it and it appears Harry Styles is the one, this song reminds me of Another GROOVY song for some reason. Take your pick, I’m here for it tonight…

Let’s talk about responsibility, which I find is a word that seems to repel most humans. I think we all secretly want to believe we COULD in fact live life as Ferris Bueller and get away with it…but that’s just not true, is it now?

Last night I asked how’s life been treating you or rather how have you been treating life because it’s dawned on me in the past week that we each carry some serious responsibility in this world: The responsibility of our own life.

What we do with it or fail to do with it. How we take care of it or neglect it. Do we respect it or resent it? Do we stretch out inside our lives or remain comfortably numb in front of Netflix. Do we try and learn who we are inside, and what makes us tick, or just ignore the fact that all the idiot lights going off inside our minds and keep on driving. Are we being responsible for ourselves?

Responsibility is a many splendored thing, isn’t it? It seems to heavily correlate itself with the things that we are genuinely blessed with in our lives. Things like jobs, kids, fur kids, money, education and our bodies. They are all good fortunes that we have somehow attained and in order to keep them, there’s some rigorous responsibility involved. Maybe I should say, keep them well maintained, as you could I suppose have those things in a state of neglect. But that’s not what I’m talking about…

I’m actually thinking deeper than that, the responsibility we have to learn who we are inside ourselves. The responsibility to understand our minds, thoughts, feelings, emotions, desires, dreams etc. All the things that are invisible to the naked eye, but are actually propelling us through this life.

Last week I was struggling with what I call my POS thoughts, which translates roughly into “Piece of sh*t” as one might expect with those 3 letters together. For some reason, I have that thought, the one that I’m worthless or just lost beyond all hope with some frequency. Not hourly. Not even daily, but definitely to an unhealthy degree. And as a side dish, it makes me question my sanity because I think having any thoughts like that are probably not awesome. To none honest, I’m not entirely sure where it’s coming from, but I let myself believe it. I find myself hearing my mother repeating that I was born wrong and the POS thought seems to agree. And that is a terrible feeling.

A couple things happened last week that really brought out the POS voice in my head, one of which involved my car and a disturbing loud knocking noise that seemed to be emanating from the engine. And well, that pretty much opened the flood gates of my POS thoughts. Because I have debt, a fair amount, less than most but more than I’m comfortable with. And when I chose to take over my mortgage and all the bills, I knew it would be tight, but there were no other real other options at the time of my divorce. And this is my home. And I just figured I’d find a way. (BTW, the car is under warranty and it all worked out and I didn’t have to pay a dime.)

BUT when possible disaster appears my mind kicks into full on beat down mode. At one point I was on the phone explaining to one of my like-Moms that I obviously f*cked up and should have given up all my fur kids and moved into an apartment and just yea, I was crying and explaining to her that she should take my cats, and I would call my ex for Lou, and Mo and I would just go live in a hole. Nonsense, yes.

Later I was talking to my Dad something along the lines that I felt like I’m a disappointment to him because I feel like a person in their 40s should have a large retirement account, their mortgage paid off, actually be in their dream job and all of life sorted out by now. They should have their shit entirely together. They shouldn’t be, well, me. He very kindly told me that neither he nor my other like-Mom thought anything of the sort. And I felt better.

The next day I was pursuing IG and Vanessa Bennett had an IGTV up about “The Witness/Observing Ego” and how the voices/thoughts we hear in our head are not our actual self. As in, I’m not a POS, it’s just the voice/thought. This brings me back to something I’ve said before before regarding our responsibility to curate our inner life, our thoughts and our feelings/emotions. And how we make our thoughts real.

I think most of us just let our minds run buck wild naked thru our skulls, don’t we? I think the mind creates thoughts in the same way our hearts pump blood, it’s constant and involuntary. And I’d actually never thought of it like that until I watched that very insightful post of hers.

It’s hard to disagree with our thoughts, isn’t it? I mean their emanating from within us, so of course we just assume they must be correct when it’s about us. But the thing is, THE THOUGHTS ARE NOT WHO WE ARE. For some reason this blew my mind. Even though I’m pretty sure my therapist has mentioned this before, it somehow really hit home this time.

Here is a muscle worth strengthening, am I right? Thoughts are not real unless we give them life. My therapist has suggested adding thoughts, random strange things, like throwing out a fruit cake into a shit storm kind of thing…and last week, I forgot my fruit cake and almost drowned in that storm.

The thing about changing a life that I’ve learned and I’m learning to accept, it’s ongoing and constant. Change is incremental not a dramatic overture. Remember when I mentioned those neural pathways/ tiny brain highways, yea, well, the more your travel a certain path, the more it keeps replaying in your brain, so I’m trying to figure out how to create an exit ramp on the POS express lane in my brain. Because I know those thoughts are derailing my journey forward in life.

AND it’s my responsibility to do something about it. Not anyone else’s. And I think that’s huge because so often so many of us put our health and happiness in the hands of another person and that’s not fair to anyone involved is it? We have to step up and take responsibility for inner selves. As in, go to therapy, do the work, really work at it and yea…That’s all I have to say tonight, something to think on…

AND here’s this evening’s sunset In my backyard, so f*cking beautiful…don’t forget to look up everyday Travellers…

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